Screaming Silence

So.
Here I am.
Sitting on the floor in the music building.
This is the first time in my college career that I am at school without my violin.
Yet I am content.

If you have been around me at all in the past month you know that I can be somewhat unpredictable. One moment I would be perfectly fine, the next horribly angry that I was unable to do anything. What do you do when you can't do what you do?

I have come so far it is unbelievable. I believe what God is telling me and at times I hear it straight from Him now. Since I began listening to the small whispers, i am more and more aware of Him telling me things. It is an amazing thing.

I thanked God the other day for my hand problems, then began laughing uncontrollably as I thought about what I was doing. At one point, I was so depressed and upset constantly over my problems and here I was, thanking God for the opportunity to trust Him yet again. Scripture says that he knows the desires of our hearts, and that if we ask we will receive.

At one point, God gave me the gift of fortitude and strength during an opera performance. For all purposes, my hands were shot, spent and swollen terribly. I should not have been able to play for 30 minutes, much less a 2 and a half hour opera. I asked God for the grace to give me the ability to play for His glory and 3 hours later I emerged feeling as if I had not lifted a finger to my violin.

That is the God I serve.
Unbelievably good.
Amazingly forgiving.
Unpredictable. :-)
Gracious beyond belief.
And I love that about Him.

Yesterday and the day before that I was once again despairing because I could not play my violin.
Why is God doing this? I asked. What has happened to me? Things are sooooo different.

Today I am beyond that. How can I complain about anything that brings me closer to Him?
If giving up my hands allows me to fully devote myself to His ministry, then bring it on.
If experiencing pain allows me to minister to someone else, bring it on.
Whatever His will is, bring it on.

No more fighting for me. That is just stupid.

JOY JOY JOY JOY and more JOY. That is what I feel.
I am so happy about where I am now and I am so ridiculously excited about where I am going that I can't even explain.

My pseudo artistic introspective notes about my melodramatic idiosyncrasies can't even touch the surface of what I feel now.

Whether I go to New York eventually to begin work there, or whether i stay in Memphis, or whether something life changing happens when I go to Guatemala and Belize next summer, I am excited to see the next chapter in this earth shattering story.