Screaming Silence

So.
Here I am.
Sitting on the floor in the music building.
This is the first time in my college career that I am at school without my violin.
Yet I am content.

If you have been around me at all in the past month you know that I can be somewhat unpredictable. One moment I would be perfectly fine, the next horribly angry that I was unable to do anything. What do you do when you can't do what you do?

I have come so far it is unbelievable. I believe what God is telling me and at times I hear it straight from Him now. Since I began listening to the small whispers, i am more and more aware of Him telling me things. It is an amazing thing.

I thanked God the other day for my hand problems, then began laughing uncontrollably as I thought about what I was doing. At one point, I was so depressed and upset constantly over my problems and here I was, thanking God for the opportunity to trust Him yet again. Scripture says that he knows the desires of our hearts, and that if we ask we will receive.

At one point, God gave me the gift of fortitude and strength during an opera performance. For all purposes, my hands were shot, spent and swollen terribly. I should not have been able to play for 30 minutes, much less a 2 and a half hour opera. I asked God for the grace to give me the ability to play for His glory and 3 hours later I emerged feeling as if I had not lifted a finger to my violin.

That is the God I serve.
Unbelievably good.
Amazingly forgiving.
Unpredictable. :-)
Gracious beyond belief.
And I love that about Him.

Yesterday and the day before that I was once again despairing because I could not play my violin.
Why is God doing this? I asked. What has happened to me? Things are sooooo different.

Today I am beyond that. How can I complain about anything that brings me closer to Him?
If giving up my hands allows me to fully devote myself to His ministry, then bring it on.
If experiencing pain allows me to minister to someone else, bring it on.
Whatever His will is, bring it on.

No more fighting for me. That is just stupid.

JOY JOY JOY JOY and more JOY. That is what I feel.
I am so happy about where I am now and I am so ridiculously excited about where I am going that I can't even explain.

My pseudo artistic introspective notes about my melodramatic idiosyncrasies can't even touch the surface of what I feel now.

Whether I go to New York eventually to begin work there, or whether i stay in Memphis, or whether something life changing happens when I go to Guatemala and Belize next summer, I am excited to see the next chapter in this earth shattering story.

It is Well

This past Sunday we discussed the story of Horatio Spafford, the author of "It is Well with my Soul". It is absolutely amazing how his mindset and Christ-centered focus never changed, despite the rough things that happened to him.

This man was well off, then suddenly he lost 4 daughters in a drowning and his financial assets crashed when Chicago burned. Spafford was a modern day Job. The entire time, he kept giving glory to God. Why is it so hard to do this? After losing 4 daughters, this man was able to say "I don't know what you have planned, God, but I trust you with my life and what you have planned."

Later on, he visited the site of his daughters' drowning and penned the words to the classic hymn "It is Well". A powerful statement. Read his words.......

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blessed assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Wow. This is an unbelievable testimony to God's unfailing love.

An F# Dissonance

I guess this is more of a confession than spiritual insight. This was just bugging the snot out of me so I had to write it down somewhere, and where better than here. I doubt anyone even reads it anyway, regardless of who I tell about it.

I just get SOOO frustrated with the band. First we have two members drop out at the same time, now our CD is being postponed because one member just won't go above and beyond what is expected of him to fix our font problem. So basically I just threw away 50 bucks to have our CD sent there overnight so it would be back in time for the CD release party which is now just a show.

And what the heck is up with people using the Will Tell website to contact other people? Not one person has emailed us about the band it has only been to get in touch with J___or E___ because they are awesome and this person wants to pay them to do something. What about the rest of us? I bust my butt and the bank for this band and turn around and get walked all over.

Some days I just want to quit....

The Isaac Mindset

"After these things God tested Abraham and said to him, "Abraham!" And he said, "Here am I." He said, "Take your son, your only son Isaac, whom you love, and go to the land of Moriah, and offer him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains of which I shall tell you." So Abraham rose early in the morning, saddled his donkey, and took two of his young men with him, and his son Isaac. And he cut wood for the burnt offering and arose and went to the place of which God had told him."
Genesis 22:1-3

It seems unbelievable that Abraham would get up and be willing to sacrifice his precious son Isaac as soon as God asked it of him. After all, Isaac was a very special young man- if you know anything about his story. In my life I find that God asks things of us all the time, yet the 21st century mindset is all about paving your own way and doing what You feel like. I have been convicted recently of being like this and pray for the humility and obedience to be able to follow God's command with no questions whatsoever. And let's be real about it, does God really ask anything of us that we are going to be unable to give? Of course not. Is he asking it of us just to see us lose something we love? No. Though I feel that we should have such a love for Christ that we would give anything and everything for Him. After all, it is all His anyway.

How in the world can we actually be like Abraham. I am still in awe of his silent obedience. The scripture says he got up EARLY and did as the Lord said. There was no hesitation, no back talking, no praying for mercy, nothing. Abraham realized that God had the right to give and the right to take away.

In a world that is post-Jesus, how much more important is this attitude? Christ died so that we would not perish, but have eternal life. Is it so much then, for us to give freely what he asks of us? Whether it is our time, our lives, our money, our family, etc. You see what I mean.

The reason I pose this rhetoric is this- last year I was faced with the situation where I was being asked to give my hands to the Lord, quite literally due to severe tendinitis. This bought threatened my career and my college future. And I was not willing to give them up. I fought and fought God saying "Why Lord? I need these to do Your will!" Who am I to question the Lord and His will? I needed an Abraham attitude. While not being my only precious son, my hands were quite important to me. I felt that I had dropped everything practical in my life to pursue music, which I felt at the time that God had directed me to do. He wanted me to share my gifts with others via performing, teaching and such. It struck me later though that God was not wanting my hands. After the fact I realized that this, much like Abraham's story, was a test. God did not want my hands- He wanted my complete submission.

Notice how powerful the ending of Abraham's story was. Once he had the knife raised above his son, Isaac and was about to plunge it into his son's heart, God told him no. It was not that God wanted Isaac, he wanted to test Abraham's complete submission. At the same time, the Lord made a promise that "He would provide Himself the sacrifice." So, in comparison, God asking for my hands is a trifle, really. They are just physical appendages that help me in my career. So if God is giving me the gift and chance to play music, why would He take it away? When I finally saw what I was doing wrong (which all stemmed from my vicious pride) I just had to let go. I made myself a mess, emotionally physically and spiritually- all because I refused to give God what was His. Once I let go, though- like Abraham- everything was provided for. I became healed.

The day I finally just fell apart was the day I heard God speak. Not out loud, but in a whisper to my heart. It made me so broken I was ashamed of my attitude, and my lack of faith. I had been worrying for months about what to do. I was just about to drop my music major and quit violin for a semester. One night I felt God saying to me. "Why won't you trust me? Why are you so worried? You complain about your hands, yet mine were also hurt. They were pierced- FOR YOU." The emotion I felt when I heard that was so profound I cannot even explain it. Here I was whining and complaining about what God was doing when all he wanted was my submission- my trust in Him. He says that "All things work together for the good of those who love me and are called according to my purpose." I suppose that I lost sight of that for a while. Even still I find it difficult to explain exactly how I felt, or what happened when this was laid on my heart. God, how could I have been so blind? It is embarrassing that I could not put my complete trust in Him. This ordeal was so simple now that I look back. Before I lacked trust, and now that I have seen what God can do I have more trust.

I was and am still a doubting Thomas. Christ speaks to me when He tells Thomas in John "Have you believed because you have seen? Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed."

Still to this day I find myself doubting Christ and what he can do. I find myself delaying and tarrying because of worldly things. I find myself putting myself first, my family first, my career first. The latest evolution of this story has to do with me working in the church and going on missions. I find myself saying no and later because of what my family is doing and trips they want me to go on. While the Bible does say to honor your father and mother, there is one other story that keeps impressing upon me.

In Matthew 8:21 a disciple says to Jesus. "Lord, let me first go and bury my father." Then Jesus tells him "Follow me, and leave the dead to bury the dead." The point of this is that we are supposed to drop whatever we are doing to follow. I seem to think that it was a big deal to just leave your family when the patriarch has died. This disciple could have been the next head of the family. His brothers sisters and mother could have been looking to him to provide for them, but instead Jesus says "Follow me" and he does. As it says in Luke "If any man is to be my disciple he must take up his cross daily and follow me. For what does it profit a man to gain the whole world and lose his soul?"

These instructions are powerful. I have spent months pondering them and their implications upon my life. Pray for me, brothers and sisters, as I prayerfully consider what God is calling me to do. I am feeling led to several things that are not what me or my family would consider normal, and I don't want to procrastinate due to worldly things or family. I feel Jesus calling me, and I want to answer without delay. What will I profit if I gain the whole world but lose my soul?
The harvest is ripe and we need to send out workers. I want to be like the prophet who said "Here I am. Send me."

Am I willing to give up my Isaac for the sake of Christ?

Enigma Prima

Enigma- a mystery, a riddle, an unanswered question.

The first question I ask myself is this- why do I do what I do?

Why start yet another blog? Why bother?

No one will read it.

These questions hinder me and hold me back--until now, when "a Narrow Road Rhapsody" goes online.

This blog is an online spiritual journal for me. It is for me to share what God has done in my life. It is for you to be encouraged. It is for my mentors and discipleship partners to understand me more. It is for my heart, my soul, my relationship with my Creator.

A Rhapsody is a musical piece that seems to be improvised, yet it is not. It has been written by a composer. I am sharing with you now my Rhapsody. The music of my life written by a cosmic composer.

Even though I may feel like I am having to improvise parts of my life, I take great comfort in knowing that the entire piece, all the way to the last cadence, has already been written.

I hope this blog will be a blessing to you, dear reader, and I pray God will speak to your heart as He speaks to mine.